Married dating: what people mean by it, and what it involves

"Married dating" is the polite name for something people have always done. It is also a broad one. Two people who both describe themselves as married and looking can want completely different things, and the trouble usually starts when each assumes the other means the same.

Three different things under one label

Married dating usually means one of three arrangements, and the difference between them is who knows and what each person wants.

A secret affair. One or both people are in a relationship and their partner does not know. This is what most people mean by the phrase, and it carries the most risk for everyone involved, including people who never signed up to anything.

An open or agreed arrangement. The partner at home knows and has agreed, usually with some rules. This is sometimes called consensual or ethical non-monogamy: having other partners with everyone's knowledge. Some couples look together; some each look separately. Our guide to open relationships and affairs explains how these differ in practice.

Companionship. Some people are looking mainly for conversation, attention or someone to have dinner with, and may or may not want anything physical. It is a real category, and it deserves saying out loud, because the other person may be expecting something else.

What people tend to be looking for

We don't publish figures we haven't measured, but the reasons people give for looking are familiar to anyone who has spent time on these sites: a marriage that works as a household but not as a romance, a long gap in physical intimacy, a partner who is ill or has lost interest, a wish to feel wanted again, or plain curiosity. Many people say they do not want to leave home, and that they want someone in a similar position so that expectations match.

That last point matters most. Two married people with similar boundaries tend to understand each other. A married person and a single person hoping it will turn into something more often do not.

Who it suits, and who it doesn't

Married dating tends to work best for people who are clear about what they want and honest about what they can offer.

It tends to suit people who:

• want something limited and are content for it to stay that way
• can keep their own boundaries, and respect someone else's
• have thought through what they would do if it were discovered

It rarely suits people who:

• are hoping to be rescued from an unhappy marriage by someone new
• are in the middle of a crisis at home and looking for an escape
• would struggle to stop if the other person asked them to
• feel unsafe at home: a specialist service, not a dating site, is the right first call

If you see yourself in the second list, questions to ask yourself first is worth twenty minutes before anything else.

What married dating isn't

• It isn't for anyone under 18. Marital Affair is for adults only.
• It isn't a transaction. Anyone who asks for money, gifts, "allowances" or help with a bill is either running a scam or offering something else entirely. Our guide to scams and blackmail explains the usual patterns.
• It isn't anonymous. You can be discreet, but there is no such thing as risk-free. Messages, photos and charges all leave traces.

Saying what you want, clearly

Most misunderstandings in married dating come from vague profiles. A few lines can prevent them:

1. Your situation. Married, separated, or in a long relationship; whether your partner knows.
2. What you are looking for. Company, something physical, something regular, something occasional.
3. What you can offer. Daytimes only, the odd evening, no overnight stays.
4. One or two limits. No photos, no contact at weekends, no meeting near home.

An example profile line, to put in your own words:

"Married, and my partner doesn't know. Looking for warm, unhurried company with someone in a similar position. Weekday lunches suit me best; I'd like to talk properly before we meet."

Once a conversation is going, agree the details together. Our guide to setting boundaries with someone you're seeing covers what to discuss and when.

The costs worth weighing

The obvious risk is discovery, and what follows from it: a relationship ending, a home and finances divided, children caught in the middle. The less obvious risks are worth naming too.

• Health. A partner at home shares any sexual health risk you take, without having chosen to. See sexual health with a new partner.
• Feelings. Casual arrangements do not always stay casual, and the person who falls harder tends to get hurt. See when an affair turns into real feelings.
• Pressure. A small number of people use what they know about a married person as leverage. Never pay anyone who threatens you.

What the law says about adultery in the UK

Adultery no longer has to be proved to end a marriage in England and Wales: no-fault divorce under the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020 began on 6 April 2022. When a court in England and Wales decides how to divide money and property, GOV.UK says the reason for the divorce is not taken into account.

In Scotland, adultery is still one of the ways to show a marriage has broken down, and Northern Ireland has its own rules too. Other countries differ again, so get local advice if separation is a real prospect. Our guide to separation and divorce in the UK sets out the basics.

Where a discreet site fits in

A site built for married and attached people at least means everyone starts from the same place. On Marital Affair, joining, building a profile and browsing are free; reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership, which renews until you cancel in Settings > Billing. Checkout shows the billing name before you pay.

Two things are worth knowing before you join. Profiles are shared with partner sites in the same network, so members who joined elsewhere can see and message you. And while every photo is reviewed, what members write about themselves is not checked. Our page on how discreet the site is covers billing, email and what other members can see.