How to end an affair with care

Affairs end for many reasons: guilt, a close call, feelings that grew on one side only, a marriage worth rebuilding, or simply the sense that it has run its course. However it ends, someone usually gets hurt. The aim is not to avoid that entirely, which is rarely possible, but to be clear, kind and safe while you do it.

The short version

Most of this guide comes down to six steps, in this order.

1. Decide, properly, before you say anything.
2. Choose how to tell them: in person if it is safe, by call or message if it isn't.
3. Say it clearly: it is over, a short reason, no half-open door.
4. Tidy up: photos, messages, accounts and contact.
5. Hold the line in the first weeks, and know what to do if they won't accept it.
6. Look after yourself, and get support.

Be sure before you say it

An ending that is half-meant tends to be followed by a reunion, then another ending, and each round costs more. Before you say anything, ask yourself whether you would accept being asked to stay, and if so, on what terms. If the honest answer is "I'd stay if they begged", you aren't ready yet.

Write down, for yourself only, why you are ending it. On the hard evenings that follow, that note helps.

Choosing how to tell them

How you tell them depends on how well you know them and how safe you feel. Kindness matters, but safety comes first.

Whichever you choose, pick a time when neither of you has to rush back to anyone.

What to say, and what to leave out

Say that it is over, give a short honest reason, thank them for what was good, and say what happens next. Avoid "for now", "maybe one day" and "let's stay friends" unless you truly mean them.

An example, to adapt rather than recite:

"I've decided to end things between us. It isn't something you did. I can't keep living two lives, and I need to put my energy into home. I've valued our time together, and I'm sorry this will hurt. I won't be in touch again, and I'd ask you not to contact me."

A shorter example, by message, if meeting isn't right:

"I'm sorry to say this by message, but I've decided to end things. It's final, and I won't change my mind. Thank you for the time we had. Please don't contact me again."

Leave out comparisons with their partner or yours, long justifications, and anything you would not want repeated.

Tidying up afterwards

Tidying up protects both of you, but you can only control your own side. Do it calmly, in the days after you have told them.

• Messages and photos. Ask them to delete any photos of you, and delete theirs. You cannot force anyone to do this, which is one reason to be careful what you share in the first place.
• Evidence first. If you have any reason to think they might misuse messages or images, keep copies before deleting anything, so you have evidence if you need it.
• Accounts. If you are leaving the site, cancel your membership in Settings > Billing, then delete your account. Our guide to cancelling or deleting your account shows how.
• Contact. Block or mute them where you need to. Not checking their profile or messages is the single most useful thing you can do for yourself in the first weeks.

If they don't accept it

Some sadness, anger or repeated messages in the first days is normal and usually fades. Some behaviour is not, and calls for a different response.

For threats involving images or money, follow the advice police give for sextortion: don't pay or negotiate, stop all contact, block them, keep every message and screenshot, and report it to the police on 101 (999 if you are in danger). Threatening to share intimate images can be a criminal offence anywhere in the UK. The Revenge Porn Helpline supports UK adults on 0345 6000 459, and StopNCII.org can help stop intimate images being shared on participating platforms if you are 18 or over.

Our guide to scams and blackmail has reporting routes for other countries, and setting boundaries summarises image-sharing laws in Ireland, Canada, the US and Australia.

If you are the one being left

Being on the receiving end hurts in its own way, especially when you can't talk about it. Accept the decision, even if you disagree with it: asking once for a conversation is reasonable; repeated contact is not.

Don't contact their partner, family or workplace, and never threaten to share messages or images. Apart from the harm it does, that can be a crime. Give yourself the same care this guide suggests for the person ending it.

Looking after yourself

Ending an affair is a loss, even when it is the right decision, and it is a loss most people can't talk about openly. Expect grief, relief, guilt and doubt, sometimes all in one day.

• Give it time before judging whether you made the right call.
• Talk to someone. In the UK, Relate offers individual counselling and a quick chat with a trained counsellor whose listed topics include guilt after cheating. Our guide to getting support has more options.
• If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe, Samaritans answer on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland; in the US, call or text 988; in Australia, Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

Whether to tell your partner

This is one of the hardest questions after an affair, and we won't pretend there is one right answer. Telling can make rebuilding possible, or end the relationship; not telling can protect your partner from pain, or leave a secret that sits between you. A counsellor can help you think it through, and couples counselling can help if you decide to tell.

If the relationship at home is the reason you ended things, our guides to when an affair turns into real feelings and the questions to ask yourself may help you take stock.