Meeting someone for the first time: a safety checklist

Most first meetings are a drink, some nerves and a decision about whether to meet again. The precautions below cost very little and make the bad outcomes much less likely. A couple of them sit awkwardly with discretion. That is deliberate: when privacy and safety conflict, safety wins.

Before you agree to meet

Before agreeing to meet, confirm the person is who they say, and check there is no money or pressure in the conversation.

• Talk on the site first. Messages stay in your account, and you can report a profile if something goes wrong.
• Have a video call. A few minutes on video confirms the person matches their photos and is who they say. Report Fraud lists a relationship that stays only online among the warning signs of romance fraud, so repeated excuses to avoid a call matter.
• Check the photos. A reverse image search (Google Images, Google Lens, Bing, TinEye) shows whether the pictures appear elsewhere under another name.
• Notice pressure. The FBI advises suspicion of anyone who quickly pushes you onto another app. The same goes for someone who wants to meet at once, somewhere private.
• Keep money out of it. Never send money, gift cards or "deposits" for a meeting, a hotel or travel. Our guide to scams and blackmail explains the common stories.

A simple timeline

None of these stages has a fixed length. Skip one only if you have a very good reason, and never because the other person is impatient.

Choosing where

Choose somewhere public, busy and easy to leave, at a time when it will stay busy.

• A bar, café or hotel lobby, not a car park or a private home.
• A place you can get to and leave easily, with transport home that doesn't depend on them.
• Not your home, not theirs, and not a hotel room for a first meeting. That can come later, if you both want it.
• Have a reason ready to leave early. You don't owe anyone an explanation, but it helps to have one.

Discretion often pushes people towards quiet places out of town. A busy venue a short trip from home is usually both safer and less conspicuous than an empty one.

Getting there and back

• Make your own way there and home. Don't accept a lift from someone you have just met.
• Don't share your home address, workplace or surname yet.
• Check your phone is charged, carry a little cash, and know how you will get home if plans change.
• If you drive, park somewhere well lit and don't let the other person see your number plate or walk you to the car.

If plans change on the night

Plans that change at the last minute are a reason to slow down, not speed up. If the other person suddenly suggests a different venue, their place, or a lift somewhere, you can simply say no and keep to the original plan, or rearrange for another day. Someone who is right for you will accept that without a fuss.

Make sure someone knows

The hardest part for many married people: someone should know where you are. It does not have to be the full story. Text a trusted friend the place, the time and the person's profile name, and agree a time you'll message to say you're fine. If you don't, they call you.

An example check-in message, to adapt:

"Meeting someone for a drink at the hotel bar on Station Road, 7 till about 8.30. Their profile name is Harbourlights. I'll text you by 9. If you haven't heard, call me."

Some people also share their phone's location with that friend for the evening, then switch it off afterwards. If there is truly nobody you can tell, keep the meeting short, public and close to transport home.

During the meeting

• Keep your drink in sight, and go easy on alcohol. Clear judgement is your best protection.
• If you feel uncomfortable, leave. You can pay for your own drink and go.
• Don't hand your phone over, and don't let anyone photograph you if you don't want them to.
• If anything threatening happens, go somewhere busy, tell staff, and call the emergency services.

Warning signs on the day

• they turn up with a different story, or a different face, from the one on video
• they push for a second venue, a lift somewhere or somewhere private
• they ask about your money, your partner's routine or where you live
• they get angry when you say no to anything

Any one of these is reason enough to end the meeting.

If you need the police

In the UK, call 999. If you are in danger and can't speak, the police Silent Solution lets you call 999 and press 55 when asked which service you need; a call handler is alerted that you may be in danger and will try to communicate with you through button presses. It does not automatically share your location, so if you can, say or tap out where you are.

Elsewhere: 911 in the US and Canada, 000 in Australia, 999 or 112 in Ireland, 10111 for the police in South Africa.

If things become physical

Consent applies at every step, and either of you can stop at any time. Bring protection and use it. Your partner at home shares any risk you take, without having chosen to. Our guide to sexual health with a new partner covers testing, protection and what to do if a condom fails.

Afterwards

• Trust your instincts. If something felt off, you don't have to see them again or explain why.
• If you decide not to continue, say so clearly and kindly. See how to end an affair with care for the conversation that comes later.
• If anyone threatens you, pressures you for money or turns up uninvited, keep the evidence and report it: to the site through the members help centre, and to the police.
• Agree ground rules with someone you're seeing before the second meeting, not after the tenth.
• Keep your own details private for a while longer. Our guide to profile photos and privacy covers what to share as trust grows.

The safety page has the short version of this checklist and reporting contacts for each country.