Getting support: counselling for you, or for you both

Affairs are lonely in a particular way. The person you would normally talk to about something this big is often the one person you can't. A counsellor is a way out of that: someone outside your life, trained to listen, who has heard it all before and has no stake in what you decide.

Can counselling help if nobody knows about the affair?

Yes. Individual counselling is confidential talking therapy for you alone, and it works whether or not anyone else knows what is going on. You don't need your partner's agreement, and you don't need to have decided anything.

People bring all sorts of questions to a first session:

• working out what they actually want before acting on it
• guilt, grief or confusion during or after an affair
• whether to stay, leave, end the affair or tell
• why the same pattern keeps repeating in their relationships
• the loneliness of carrying something nobody else knows

If you are only at the stage of thinking about an affair, our guide to questions to ask yourself first is a good companion to a first session. If feelings have grown further than you expected, when an affair turns into real feelings covers that ground.

Counselling as a couple

Couples counselling is talking therapy for two people (or more, in some relationships) who want to work on the relationship together, with a counsellor keeping the conversation fair. It suits couples at quite different points:

• when one of you wants something the relationship isn't giving
• after an affair has come to light, whether you are trying to rebuild or to separate well
• when you want to discuss changing the shape of the relationship, as covered in open relationships and affairs

It isn't only for couples who want to stay together. Relate says its couples counselling can help when you are separating too, and our guide to separation and divorce in the UK explains the legal side that runs alongside.

Individual or couples first?

There is no wrong order. A counsellor can suggest a change of format once they understand your situation.

What happens in a first session

A first session is mostly about the counsellor understanding why you have come and what you hope to get from it. Expect to be asked what is happening now, what you have tried, and what a good outcome would look like for you. You don't have to tell everything at once.

The counsellor should also explain how sessions work: how long they last, how often you meet, what it costs, how cancellations work, and the limits of confidentiality. If they don't, ask. It is your session, and those are reasonable questions.

How to choose a counsellor

Pick someone qualified, comfortable with affairs and non-monogamy, and easy enough to talk to that you will actually go back. A short checklist:

1. Check registration. In the UK, look for membership of a professional body such as the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, or a register accredited by the Professional Standards Authority. Elsewhere, look for the equivalent licence or registration in your country; in the US, for example, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
2. Ask about experience. "Do you often work with affairs?" is a fair first question, and so is "Are you comfortable working with open relationships?"
3. Ask how they handle secrets in couples work, if your partner may join later.
4. Decide online or in person. Online sessions can be easier to fit in privately; in-person sessions suit some people better.
5. Agree the cost up front, including cancellation fees.

An example of what you might say when you first make contact, to put in your own words:

"I'd like some individual sessions. I'm in a relationship and I've been seeing someone else, and I'm not sure what I want to do. Do you work with that, and how does confidentiality work with you?"

In the UK: Relate

Relate is a relationship counselling charity. When we checked on 17 October 2026, it offered:

• individual counselling and couples counselling, delivered online by video, with some face-to-face options
• one-session therapy, at £75 for 50 minutes
• a quick chat with a trained counsellor, whose listed topics include guilt after cheating
• sex therapy and family counselling
• a workbook on coping after being cheated on, for partners who have found out

Individual and couples sessions cost £65 to £145, depending on household income, and some people can get funded counselling through their employment sector. You can book online or call 0300 100 1234.

In Northern Ireland, Relate NI offers couples counselling that covers infidelity, separation and divorce, beginning with an initial assessment that includes some one-to-one time with the counsellor.

Support in other countries

In South Africa and elsewhere, your doctor or local health service can point you to a registered counsellor. Check a therapist's registration before you book.

If you are struggling today

If you feel overwhelmed, hopeless or unsafe, don't wait for a counselling appointment. In the UK:

• Samaritans: call 116 123, free (also in Ireland)
• Shout: text 85258
• CALM: call 0800 58 58 58
• NHS urgent mental health helplines: find your local line
• Emergency: call 999 if you or someone else is in immediate danger

In the US and Canada, call or text 988; in Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. In an emergency anywhere, call the local emergency number.

Other kinds of help

• If someone is threatening you or demanding money, read scams and blackmail. That is a matter for the police, not counselling alone. In the UK the Revenge Porn Helpline can also point you to emotional support.
• If an affair has ended and you are struggling, how to end an affair with care covers the practical and emotional side.
• If a health worry is weighing on you, sexual health with a new partner explains free, confidential testing.