When an affair turns into real feelings

Most people who start an affair intend to keep their heart out of it. Some manage to. For others, the person they're seeing stops being a pleasant escape and becomes the person they want to tell things to first. That shift changes the arrangement for everyone, whether or not anyone says so out loud.

What does it mean when an affair becomes emotional?

An affair becomes emotional when what you want from the other person is no longer mainly time together but attachment: their attention, their loyalty, a place in their future. It can happen to one of you or to both, and it usually happens without a single moment anyone could point to.

Two terms are worth having. An emotional affair usually means a close, secret relationship, with or without sex, that draws confidence and energy away from the main relationship. Limerence is a word for intense, involuntary romantic longing: intrusive thoughts about the other person and a powerful need for the feeling to be returned. Neither label decides anything for you, but naming what is happening makes it easier to think straight.

Signs it has become more than you agreed

If several of these sound familiar, the arrangement you started with has probably changed.

• You check for messages constantly, and your mood depends on them.
• You feel jealous of their partner, or of other people they might be seeing.
• You compare your partner unfavourably with them, more and more often.
• You have started imagining practical things: holidays, living together, telling people.
• You are taking risks you wouldn't have taken at the start, with time, money or your own privacy.
• The limits you agreed feel like obstacles rather than protection.

None of this is shameful. It is information, and it is better noticed early.

Why it can feel so intense

The intensity is partly built into the situation. Time together is limited, so every meeting is an occasion. Neither of you sees the other on a dull Tuesday, ill, tired or worried about money. Secrecy adds a charge of its own. And if your relationship at home has been cold for a while, warmth from anyone can feel overwhelming.

That doesn't make the feelings false. It does mean they are an uncertain guide to what everyday life with this person would be like. A useful test is to picture an ordinary week with them rather than a stolen evening: a bad cold, a tight month, a disagreement about family. If the picture still holds, that tells you something. If it blurs, that tells you something too.

Questions to ask yourself first

Before you say anything to anyone, be honest with yourself about what has actually changed. These questions are a starting point.

1. Has my feeling for them changed, my feeling about my marriage, or both?
2. Am I drawn to this person, or to who I am when I'm with them?
3. If this ended tomorrow, what would I want to change at home?
4. What do I know about their life, plans and feelings, as opposed to what I hope?
5. Who would be affected by each choice, and how, especially any children?
6. Is the affair absorbing a problem at home that has never been talked about?

Our guide to questions to ask before an affair covers similar ground from the beginning; many of the questions read differently once feelings are involved.

Talking to the person you're seeing

The first conversation is with them, not about them. Say what has changed, plainly and without pressure, then ask where they are. Choose a calm moment in person rather than a late-night message.

An opening might sound something like this (an example, not a script): "Something's shifted for me and I don't want to pretend it hasn't. I think about you more than we agreed. I'm not asking you for anything tonight. I'd just like to know where you are."

• If you feel the same, talk about what, if anything, either of you wants to change, and on what timescale. Be wary of promises made in the first rush.
• If they want more than you do, say so kindly and clearly. Letting them hope is not a kindness.
• If you want more than they do, listen to what they are telling you, even if it hurts. Pressure rarely changes someone's mind, and it can turn something good into something ugly.

Whatever they say, revisit the ground rules you agreed. They were set for a different situation.

What are your options?

There are four realistic options, and none of them is free of cost. Set side by side, they look like this.

If you decide to stop, our guide to ending an affair with care covers how to do it without cruelty.

If you are thinking of leaving your marriage

Slow down before anything is said or done at home. Choices made in the first rush of strong feeling are hard to undo, and they affect people who have had no say in them.

1. Talk to a counsellor on your own first. Individual counselling gives you somewhere to test what you want before anyone else is affected.
2. Take legal advice before you move out or change your finances. The rules on divorce, money and the home differ between England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, let alone other countries. Our guide to separation and divorce in the UK sets out the basics.
3. Keep money above board. Don't move, hide or spend shared money without your partner knowing. Concealment tends to make any separation slower, costlier and more bitter.
4. Put children first. Think about what they will be told, by whom and when, and how their lives would work afterwards.
5. Consider mediation. In England and Wales, anyone applying to court about children or money is usually required to attend a mediation information and assessment meeting (MIAM) first, unless an exemption, such as domestic abuse, applies. The Family Mediation Council lists accredited mediators. In Scotland, Relationships Scotland offers family mediation as well as counselling.

Remember, too, that a relationship begun in secret has to survive the move into daylight: friends, family, perhaps children, and the questions that follow.

When the feelings are one-sided

One-sided feelings are hard on both people, and they rarely sort themselves out.

If you are the one who has fallen, give yourself the dignity of a clear answer rather than months of reading signals. If the answer is no, ending it or stepping well back usually hurts less over time than staying close and hoping.

If you are the one who hasn't, say so soon and kindly, and don't keep things going because ending them is awkward. If the other person's disappointment turns into pressure, or threats to contact your partner, that is no longer heartbreak but coercion. Stop engaging, keep the messages, and read our guide to scams, blackmail and fake profiles for what to do and where to report it.

Getting a clear head

This is the point where many people most need someone to talk to and feel they have no one. A counsellor can be that person. In the UK, Relate offers individual counselling, mostly online, with fees on a sliding scale by household income. It also offers a quick chat with a trained counsellor, and lists guilt after cheating among the topics it helps with. Our guide to getting support has more options, including counselling for couples.

If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe, these services are free and confidential:

Looking after the people around you

Whatever you decide, the people with least say in it are the partners at home and any children. You may not be able to protect them from hurt, but you can avoid making decisions in the heat of a single evening, and you can protect their health: use protection, and test. Our guide to sexual health with a new partner covers testing and what to do if something goes wrong.