In short
Boundaries in an affair are the ground rules two people agree: how and when you contact each other, what stays private, whether either of you sees other people, sexual health, money, and what happens when one of you wants to stop. Agree them early and plainly, and revisit them whenever something changes.
| When to talk | Before or soon after the first meeting |
|---|---|
| Six areas to cover | Contact, privacy, exclusivity, sexual health, money, stopping |
| Intimate image threats (UK) | Revenge Porn Helpline, 0345 6000 459 |
| Non-emergency police (UK) | 101; 999 if you are in danger |
In an ordinary relationship, rules grow slowly and get worked out over years. In an affair there is less time, more at stake on both sides, and usually no friends to ask. Assumptions fill the gap: that the other person wants the same thing, will be as careful as you, and will let go as easily. Saying the important things out loud costs one slightly awkward conversation.
A boundary, in this sense, is simply a limit you state and expect the other person to respect: what you will and won't do, and what you need from them. It is not a contract, and it doesn't need to be formal. It does need to be said.
The six areas to cover
Most of the friction in affairs comes from six areas. You don't have to settle all of them in one conversation, but each deserves a clear answer.
| Area | The question to answer together |
|---|---|
| Contact | How do we get in touch, when is it not welcome, and how often do we meet? |
| Privacy | What stays between us: photos, messages, social media? |
| Exclusivity | Is either of us seeing anyone else? |
| Sexual health | Protection, testing, and telling each other about results |
| Money | Who pays for what, and an agreement that money never changes hands otherwise |
| Stopping | Either of us can end it at any time; how will we do it? |
Contact: how, when and how often
Agree how you will get in touch and when contact is not welcome, rather than drifting into habits one of you resents.
- How you'll get in touch. Messages on the site, a call, something else? Agree it.
- When contact is not welcome. Evenings, weekends, holidays, family occasions. Respecting this is basic courtesy towards each other's lives.
- How often you'll meet. Expectations about frequency cause more friction than almost anything else.
- Never unannounced. Neither of you turns up at the other's home or workplace, or contacts friends or family.
Privacy: what each of you keeps to yourself
Privacy boundaries protect you both, because each of you has something to lose. Agree them before anything personal is shared.
- No photos of each other without explicit agreement, and no screenshots of private messages.
- Intimate images are shared only with consent and never passed on. Sharing them, or threatening to, can be a criminal offence anywhere in the UK.
- No looking each other up on social media, and no connecting there.
- Nothing that identifies the other person, such as a surname or workplace, is shared with anyone.
These are agreements, not guarantees. You can't check whether someone has kept a photo, so the strongest privacy boundary is your own: don't send what you couldn't live with being kept.
Exclusivity and sexual health
Are either of you seeing anyone else, from the site or elsewhere? There is no right answer, but there is an honest one, and it affects the health of everyone involved, including the partners at home who have not chosen any of the risk.
- Agree to use protection, and what happens if it fails.
- Agree to test, and to tell each other if a result comes back positive.
- Say if anything changes, such as a new partner.
Our guide to sexual health with a new partner covers testing and what to do after a risk.
Money and gifts
Keep money out of it. Split costs or take turns, but don't lend, borrow or send money. Report Fraud lists requests for money as a central warning sign of romance fraud, however long you have known the person. Our guide to scams and blackmail explains the pattern.
Feelings, and the right to stop
Agree, in so many words, that either of you can end it at any time, without a long explanation, and that the other will accept it. Agree to say so if your feelings change, in either direction.
This is the boundary most often skipped and most often needed. Casual arrangements don't always stay casual. If that starts to happen, read when an affair turns into real feelings, and when it is time to stop, how to end an affair with care.
An example of how to raise it
Raise it early, calmly and as a question, not an ultimatum. Then listen: how the other person reacts to being asked will tell you a great deal.
This is an example, not a script. Change it to suit you.
"Before we meet again, can we agree a few things? I'd like us to keep messages on the site, and not to contact each other at weekends. I'll always use protection, and I'd like you to as well. And if either of us wants to stop, we just say so, no hard feelings. Is there anything you'd want to add?"
A shorter version for later, when something has changed:
"Things feel different from when we started. Can we check we still want the same things?"
When a boundary is crossed
Small slips happen and can be talked about. Some things are different in kind, and none of them is a misunderstanding:
- turning up uninvited, or contacting your family or workplace
- pressing you to leave your partner, with threats if you don't
- threats to share images or messages, or to tell your partner
- demands for money
These are pressure and, sometimes, crime. Keep the evidence, stop engaging and get help. Report Fraud's advice on sextortion applies: don't pay, block, keep everything and report it to the police on 101, or 999 if you are in danger. The Revenge Porn Helpline supports UK adults on 0345 6000 459, and adults anywhere can use StopNCII.org to help stop intimate images being shared on participating platforms.
Image-sharing laws outside the UK
Sharing someone's intimate images without consent is against the law in each of the site's main countries, though the details differ.
| Where | The law, in brief | Where to turn |
|---|---|---|
| Ireland | The Harassment, Harmful Communications and Related Offences Act 2020, in force since February 2021, created offences of distributing intimate images without consent | An Garda Síochána; Hotline.ie |
| Canada | Section 162.1 of the Criminal Code makes publishing an intimate image without consent an offence | Local police |
| United States | The federal TAKE IT DOWN Act, signed in May 2025, criminalises publishing intimate images without consent and requires covered platforms to remove them within 48 hours of a victim's request; states have their own laws too | Local police |
| Australia | The eSafety Commissioner runs a scheme to help get intimate images removed | eSafety Commissioner; local police |
The safety page has the reporting lines for scams and threats in every country we serve.
Questions people ask
When should we talk about boundaries?
Before or soon after the first meeting, and certainly before things become physical. It is easier to agree rules while neither of you has much invested, and the way someone reacts to being asked is useful information in itself. Come back to the conversation whenever something changes, such as a new partner or stronger feelings.
What if they won't agree to any rules?
That tells you something important. Someone who refuses basic agreements about privacy, health or contact is unlikely to respect them later, when more is at stake. You don't need to argue the point; you can simply decide not to carry on, and say so clearly.
What if they threaten to tell my partner?
That is not a disagreement about boundaries; it is pressure, and if they want money or favours for their silence, it is blackmail. Don't pay or bargain. Keep the messages, stop replying, block them, report the profile to the site and report the threat to the police.
Is it a crime to share intimate photos without consent?
In many places, yes. Across the UK, sharing or threatening to share an intimate image without consent can be a criminal offence. Ireland, Canada and the US have their own laws, and Australia's eSafety Commissioner can help get images removed. Report it to the police where you live.
Should we agree to delete photos and messages?
Agreeing it can help, but you cannot check or enforce it, so treat it as a courtesy, not protection. The safest boundary is not to send anything you couldn't live with being kept. Never send intimate images early, and never to someone who is pressing you for them.
Keep reading
- Cancelling your membership or deleting your accountCancel in Settings > Billing, then delete via avatar > Settings > Delete Account. Step by step, with what each one does.
- How to end an affair with careDeciding, what to say, tidying up afterwards, what to do if the other person won't accept it, and looking after yourself.
- Getting support: counselling for you, or for you bothCounselling alone or together, how to choose a counsellor, Relate's UK fees, and crisis lines in five countries.
- How affair websites workFree to look, paid to talk: how affair sites work, who sees your profile, and what is and isn't checked.
Sources
- Intimate image abuse laws — Revenge Porn Helpline
- How to get in touch — Revenge Porn Helpline
- Sextortion — Report Fraud
- Romance fraud — Report Fraud
- Intimate image abuse — Hotline.ie
- Criminal Code, section 162.1 — Justice Laws Website, Government of Canada
- TAKE IT DOWN Act signed into law — US Senate Commerce Committee
- Image-based abuse — eSafety Commissioner
- StopNCII.org
Checked 18 October 2026. Spotted something out of date? Tell us.