Sexual health with a new partner: testing and protection

An affair adds a health question that ordinary dating doesn't: the person at home. If you have a partner, any infection you pick up can pass to them, and they have not had the chance to weigh that risk. Protecting your sexual health is therefore also about protecting theirs, and it is one area where discretion and responsibility point the same way.

A sexually transmitted infection (STI) is an infection passed on through sexual contact, including vaginal, anal and oral sex and sharing sex toys. Many are easy to treat once found. The point of everything below is to find them early and avoid passing them on.

Protection

Condoms used every time, with every new partner, are the foundation; PrEP adds protection against HIV.

• Use a condom every time. The NHS says using a condom every time you have sex is the best way to protect you and your partner from HIV and other STIs. That includes oral sex with someone new, using a condom or dental dam.
• Carry your own. Don't rely on the other person.
• Keep your judgement. Most protection failures start with alcohol and a change of plan.
• Ask about PrEP. PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) is medicine that protects against HIV. It is available free on the NHS from sexual health clinics, as daily tablets or tablets taken around the time of sex, and some people may be offered an injection every two months instead.

Testing in the UK

NHS sexual health clinics are free and open to everyone, whatever their age, gender, ethnicity or sexuality. You don't usually need a GP referral or an appointment, though it is worth contacting the clinic first to check. Use the NHS find a sexual health clinic service; you can choose a clinic away from where you live if you prefer.

Keeping it private

Visits are confidential. The NHS says your GP won't be told about your visit without your permission, and you can give a different name if you would rather. Staff may contact other services if they think you or someone else is at risk of harm, but they will talk to you first. The clinic will ask how you want your results: usually by phone, by text or in an unmarked letter. Choose the option you are comfortable receiving.

What happens at a visit

Expect questions about your medical and sexual history, such as when you last had sex and whether it was unprotected, so the clinic can work out which tests you need. Tests can include a urine sample, a blood sample and swabs; the NHS says women can usually take vaginal swabs themselves, and chlamydia and gonorrhoea testing often needs only a urine sample or a self-taken swab. With some tests you can get the result, and treatment if you need it, on the same day.

Home testing kits

Many areas also offer home testing kits, so you can take samples at home and post them off. Availability differs:

Testing in Ireland

In the Republic of Ireland, the HSE runs free home STI tests for anyone aged 17 or older living there. The kits test for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphilis, and sometimes hepatitis B or C. The HSE says negative results come by text, and results needing follow-up come by text or phone call, usually within 72 hours of the lab receiving your samples. The HSE also lists free public sexual health clinics for testing and treatment.

When to test

• After a new partner, even if you feel fine. The NHS points out that many STIs have no symptoms, so you can have one without knowing and pass it on.
• Regularly, if you have more than one partner. Ask the clinic how often makes sense for you.
• Straight away if you notice symptoms such as unusual discharge, pain when urinating, sores, rashes or unusual bleeding, and avoid sex until you have been seen.
• Before stopping condoms with a regular partner: both of you test first, and agree to tell each other about any other partners.

Some infections take time to show up on a test after exposure. The clinic will tell you if you need a repeat test.

If a condom splits or you take a risk

Act quickly. The NHS advises getting urgent help from a pharmacist, sexual health clinic, GP or NHS 111 if a condom splits or comes off.

1. HIV risk: post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) is a short course of HIV medicine that may stop infection, but it must be started within 72 hours of exposure. It is available from sexual health clinics and A&E.
2. Pregnancy risk: emergency contraception is available from pharmacies, sexual health clinics and GPs.
3. Then test at the times the clinic recommends, and use condoms in the meantime, including with a partner at home.

Telling partners if you test positive

The NHS advises telling sexual partners and ex-partners so they can be tested and treated. If you would rather not do it yourself, the clinic can usually contact them for you without revealing who you are. Your partner at home may be among the people who need to know; a clinic or a counsellor can help you think through how. Our guide to getting support lists counselling options.

Outside the UK and Ireland

In the US, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention runs a search at gettested.cdc.gov for free, low-cost and confidential testing sites. In Australia, Canada and South Africa, public sexual health services also offer testing; your doctor or local health service can point you to the nearest one.

Talking about it with someone new

It is easier than it sounds, and the reaction tells you something about the person. Raise it before you meet somewhere private, not in the moment.

An example, to put in your own words:

"Before things go further, I always use condoms with someone new, and I test regularly. When did you last test?"

Anyone who argues with that is telling you how they will treat your other boundaries. Our guides to setting boundaries and meeting safely cover the rest of the conversation, and open relationships and affairs explains how sexual health agreements work when a partner knows. If you are still weighing up the risks of an affair as a whole, married dating explained sets them out plainly.