Thinking about an affair? Questions to ask yourself first

This is an affair site, so it would be odd for us to tell you not to have an affair. It would be odder still to pretend there is nothing to think about. People who have been through it tend to say the same thing: they wish they had been honest with themselves earlier. These are the questions to ask while you still have every option open.

What is actually missing?

"I want an affair" is usually shorthand for something more specific, and naming it is the most useful thing you can do. Each need points to a different answer, and an affair is only one of them.

Missing sex might be a conversation, a doctor's appointment or a counsellor away from changing. A wish to leave the relationship altogether is a different question from wanting something extra while staying.

What could you lose?

Be concrete, not abstract: picture the day it comes out. Then weigh each item honestly against what you are hoping to find.

• Your relationship, and the version of your family you have now.
• Time with your children, if you separated.
• Your home and finances, divided.
• Friendships, especially shared ones.
• Your reputation at work, if the person is a colleague or the affair touches your job.
• Your peace of mind: secrecy takes energy, and many people underestimate the strain.

Then ask the harder question: would you be willing to lose those things for what you are hoping to find? If the answer is no, that is useful information.

Who else is affected?

An affair involves more people than the two having it, and each of them carries part of the risk without having chosen it.

• Your partner, who hasn't agreed to any of the risks, including the sexual health ones. See sexual health with a new partner.
• The other person's partner, if they have one.
• The person you are seeing, who may want more, or less, than you do.
• Children, who notice more than adults think.

None of this decides the question for you. It does belong in it.

Have you said it out loud?

Many people reach for an affair after years of not saying something important to their partner. Before you do, ask whether that conversation has really happened: not hinted at, but said plainly.

If it is too hard to do alone, counselling helps, and you don't need your partner to take part. In the UK, Relate offers individual and couples counselling, mostly online. When we checked on 17 October 2026, Relate's fees for individual and couples sessions ran from £65 to £145, depending on household income, and it also offered a quick chat with a trained counsellor whose listed topics include guilt after cheating. In Australia, Relationships Australia offers individual, couple and family counselling on 1300 364 277. Our guide to getting support has more options.

Some couples find that the honest conversation leads to an agreed arrangement rather than a secret one. Our guide to open relationships and affairs explains the difference: consent.

Would leaving be kinder?

If the relationship is over in everything but name, an affair can postpone a decision rather than make one. It is worth knowing that leaving is less adversarial than it used to be in some places.

In England and Wales, no-fault divorce has been available since 6 April 2022, under the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020, so ending a marriage no longer requires either person to blame the other. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own rules, and so do Australia, Canada, Ireland, South Africa and each US state. Our guide to separation and divorce in the UK sets out the basics; elsewhere, a family lawyer or advice service can explain where you stand.

The practical questions

If you are still considering it, answer the practical questions before you write a profile, not after.

1. Time. Where would it come from, honestly, and what would give?
2. Money. Joining and browsing are free; reading and replying to messages is paid and renews until you cancel. See what affair sites cost.
3. Privacy. Profiles are shared with partner sites in the same network, so more people can see yours than you might assume.
4. Health. Are you prepared to use protection every time and test regularly?
5. An exit. How would you end it, and could you?

Signs you may not be ready

Some feelings suggest the timing is wrong, whatever you decide in the long run. If several of these sound familiar, give it more time or talk to someone first.

• You are acting mainly out of anger at your partner.
• You want to be found out, so that the relationship ends without you deciding.
• You are drinking more, sleeping badly or struggling at work.
• You can't imagine how you would end it.
• You would be devastated if your partner did the same.

If you still decide to go ahead

Go ahead with your eyes open, and with your limits decided while you are calm.

1. Decide your limits first: what you want, what you won't do, how you'd end it. Our guide to setting boundaries helps.
2. Protect your health and your partner's. Use protection and test regularly.
3. Protect yourself from scams. Never send money, never pay a blackmailer. Read scams and blackmail before you start.
4. Meet safely, using the first-meeting checklist.

Joining Marital Affair, creating a profile and browsing are free, so you can take your time.

If you feel unsafe at home

If you feel controlled, frightened or unsafe in your relationship, the questions on this page come second. Talk to a specialist service first, in confidence.

If you are struggling now

If thinking about all this has left you feeling desperate, talk to someone today. You don't need to explain the whole situation to be helped.